What I’ve experienced in life is that long moments of no or slow change is accompanied by rapid, spontaneous change. Punctuated equilibrium, anyone? These past two weeks feel like a long wait… for my calculus final, and interview results. Within the span of two days after those two weeks of waiting, I’ve managed to barely pass calculus, receive an acceptance letter from one of my top choice schools, and get an interview invite to another top choice. Everything happened all at once (ok, not once, but 2 days is pretty short too).

I feel that I spent the past three years of my college life waiting for this point. When I received news from the school about my acceptance, I was very suspended in the moment. I haven’t been that happy since I met my partner. It’s a good feeling, and I appreciated myself, my brain, and my opportunities. I thanked whatever higher power was out there for these moments that make me fall in love with life again. Sometimes we forget about that. I had pho with my mom, who relayed the message to my dad over the phone after I told her.

I guess I should appreciate having this past year to relax, give myself another chance in certain classes, and re-cope after the hurricane of last year. It was definitely relaxing to be home again, have relatively few responsibilities, and experience some new things before moving on to professional school. What was really useful was gaining experience in retail.

I hope this upcoming interview goes well… then maybe I can live my dream of moving to the SF bay for the next few years. But before that, tis the season.

October 23, 2005

so i’ve decided to start this entry with a few quotes (from my favorite article writer, mind you) and then rant for a few hours until i get sleepy (which, by the way, is the best time to start on homework), all for procrastination’s sake.

But before all that, I’m glad to say that as a follow-up idea, or so I’d like to believe, to my most recent book Boredom and it’s Detrimental Side Effects, someone has actually considered authoring a new book titled The Frustratingly Complete Guide to Nothing You’re Interested In. Release date is to be determined.

Anyways, so about the quotes. They just reminded me of Jenny’s slight mockings of my inability to understand poker, which, in my defense, is the cause of homework that I… ahem, am too busy working on to watch… O But back to the point of this whole paragraph– to introduce the quotes.

“Occasionally, I attempt to play poker, which is like a dolphin trying to win the 100m dash. Sure, it’s fun to watch at first and the other runners get to beat the dolphin, but after a while, as the dolphin’s skin blisters and it flops toward the finish line, squeaking pathetically, the other runners start to feel a little dirty.

Since that simile got away from us, let’s try a simpler comparison. If a Martian came into the room while I was playing poker, it would think that I was attempting to smother my opponents by rapidly burying them in chips. For efficiency’s sake, I often just leave my wallet on the table and leave the room.”

Hahaha… but seriously, even though I don’t have a clue on what Texas Holdem entails, I’m pretty damn good at the regular kind of Poker (the one my friends taught me). Yeah, don’t be fooled by my innocent glare, Lol. I’ve even managed to drive a few opponents into near nudity in the strip version of it. For my luck, I thank the Agnostic heavens.

Also, I think bluffing helps sometimes. Only my “acting”… a.k.a. “lying” skills are diminishing. =/ I used to have no problem lying, but I guess since I’m so damn happy this year (for no apparent reason whatsoever), I’m always smiling and hence people either A)know I’m lying because I’m so damn perky, or B)because of my incessant perkiness, know I’m lying when I have a serious face on (OH boy) at which point they probably think “Are you constructed entirely out of stupid? Or is it just the support structure upon which you pile the dumb?”

So what of the cherry tree?

Yeah, so I love how teachers pile loads of homework during the part of senior year that entails college applications, SAT studying, tennising, and various other future-determining requirements. Thank you for the 83 calculus problems, essay typeout, tests, labs, and of course, the scream-in-your-face, power-abusing, forced-to-stay-awake lectures that you give me. (Although I do have to apologize for falling asleep in classes and coming into them half awake.) But as much as you’ll deny it, I KNOW that you (teachers) are boring/annoying/angering/power-abusive because of other personal problems, and that we students are the primary source of anger output. (Ahem, and if you’re a teacher and you’re reading this, then Ha, I’m just kidding. By the way, the late homeworks and getting on your bad side are all because I’m begging for your attention…. because I utterly enjoy your courses and your ability to teach and the positive effects of your lectures, whether they be to a group or to me individually)

All this is soo stressful (says captain obvious). Come to think of it, all the loans, prompts, applications, fees, and another four years of erudition may not be worth it. It may be a good idea just to start off climbing the success ladder right after highschool. I’ll be saving time (4-10 years of my life, to be exact) and spending it on my other idea of a pathway to monetary success. I already know what I want to do. And college might not be as good a source to broaden my understanding of that field as another source I have that’s right next to me.

Oh yeah, another thing I wanted to rant about… the Models of Pride Orgy (whoops) that I went to. Hahhaha, no really though, it was amazing. I loved it. A lot of people showed up and everyone was…. wow. I liked it. Wow. I’ve never been to anything like that before. I thought a lot of debaters/organizations against segregation were going to be there, but a lot of people were actually. there. because. there were other people like them. It was amazing though, because so many helpful discussions were available and the coordinators were just amazing. The DRED transgender person touched the audience and her performance was captivating. Plus, I met so many people. It was a bit scary, but soo worth it. College campuses are huge. I can’t wait to use my pen xD. I loved meeting other teenagers there. It was soo awesome.

Jessica, your philosophy of Social Darwinism and Social Ethics are too complex. hahaha. OMG but I’d sooo love to read the essay after you write it. But anyways, I think your point is soo interesting. That there’s really no point in life, so you live to suck the marrow out of life (ok, so it’s not exactly waht you said, but i twisted it a ltitle) and do whatever you want to do and have fun blababla. Well as duhhh as it is, I still sooo agree. haha. Anyways, so let’s go stalk celebrities and teepee our worst enemies’ houses right before it rains!!! xD OHMG Halloween is coming up!!!! hahaha. Oh boy, I can’t wait for this week. I hope it’s cold and rainy again.

Something from Calvin and Hobbes:

c: what’s love?
h: well… say the object of ur affection walks by.
c: mhm?
h: first, ur heart beats so fast that it falls into ur stomach nd splashes ur innards. all the extra condensation makes u sweat excessively and u go all woozy. finally, ur brain short circuits, ur tongue disengages from the rest of ur body, nd u babble like a cretin until she leaves.
c: THAT’s love??
h: scientifically speaking.
c: heck, that hpnd to ME once but i figured it was cooties!

Remember how I’m anti-love? Well I’ll try to stick with it through everything, no matter what happens.

Big and Rich- Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

Ooooh, my eyes are a bit sore. It’s 10, I’m sleepy. Perfect time to start on the essay and EVERYTHING. ELSE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ::Final wide-eyed scream of terror right before I faint into a pile of useless (aka educational) papers::

Goodnight.

The Soporific Cure

August 31, 2005

Just for Bonnie, I’ll post one more entry before my blog goes into hibernation. Hey, won’t you look at that, it’s one day until September, my favorite month. Well anyways, it’s 1 am, I ate too much, and I feel antsy. In other words, I can’t sleep. I always thought I got over the habit of randomly laughing out loud during silences, but then came Orkut articles and Don Quixote. That’s why now, when I read, I lock myself up in my room and stuff towels in the gap between the door and the floor- so that my parents and brother don’t think I’m crazy. Okay so after endless schedule comparisons and discussing class satisfaction, I’ve decided I won’t ever talk about school again- besides the fact that a robot does exist at our school in the form of a compressed human being. Apart from that, I’ve been spending the approximate last 4 hours reading wittingly hilarious articles written by Sarcasm himself, finishing my last pages of Fahrenheit 451 (boy, does Bradbury repeat a lot… if I were to separate all the repetitions he stated in his book and clump them together, I’d probably end up with a few pages of meaningless blabber), and recuperating from the effects the annoying heat had on my muscles during tennis. Gladly, I get the additional privilege to finish my self-deprecation sheet by Friday, among many, many other things. At least I found out that if you shun people away a few times, they’ll get the idea and never IM you again. =D Oh yes, the exulting joy. This is going to be a LONG year, so cheers.

Love, peace, and MARTINI KISSES!

Oh, yes, and if you ever need to sleep and have tried all the ways possible (reading, walking around, doing chores ha, homework, etc.) but can’t fall asleep, I suggest staring at the computer screen for a couple of minutes. The monitor radiation should be enough to lower the frequency of (fry) your brain waves and weary out your eyes, thus having a soporific effect. =D

there’s poison in my drinking glass
don’t stop just sip it down
and in a swirling masquerade of sound
my body hits the ground
i’m beautiful when i’m asleep
martini kisses land on my bloody scarlet lips
the bottles in my hand

burn out, not fade away

i’ll speak in riddles so you can understand
i’ll draw in pencil so you can trace with pen
so in love with me like sand to wet feet
i’ll write both our names into the wet concrete

we’re glistening like silver spoons beneath the summer night
oh can you smell the subtle hint of frost as the flowers start to cry
the autumn winds are bringing graves to all the emerald trees
they’re so beautiful in their dismay
the colors slowly bleed

Senior Quote

August 17, 2005

i’m such a fucking bitch sometimes >=D and its peccantly delightful. it’s healthy for mr. hyde to show up in us every once in a while right? its better than keeping him bottled up inside until inevitably the anger comes raging out in huge spits of fire…. some people express malignity more often than others. my sadistic side shows up sporadically, yet in profuse amounts. i’m probably bipolar sometimes… call it a lame comparison, but its sort of like love. i can stop, but i kind of dont want to… evil, no?

and i would apologize to those i’ve “hurt” …. if i wasnt so provokingly arrogant. >=D hahah wow… i’m so horrible.

i agree with what fifi said about how highschool is just a dot in an eternal line… even though that dot IS capable of destroying or misaligning the rest of that entire line. kind of like the way hs could make or ruin us.

jessssss rocks, to the point where no words can evn come close to explaining.

i’ve figured out that the less i care, the better things turn out for me. ironic, isnt it? irony……… life.

indignation. insecurity. selfdeprecation. annoyance. no, that’s not even close to enough. the WORLD is not enough. xD

if the above seems like senseless rambling, then don’t worry, it probably is. im probably intoxicated in my mind.

i feel like purging my emotions out. not literallly. i wanna like… well.. actually jess just said it

o bubo x: i wana sleep for a million yrs
o bubo x: or like jump off the roof
o bubo x: or eat 5 tons of ice cream
o bubo x: nd den puke it all out agin
o bubo x: im… insane

a lot can happen in one summer right? a lot can be realized too, like the strange way the world works. of course… i dont know WHY its so strange, but i know that it is….

at this point, my life is moving at the speed of light… in a rollercoaster like motion. it has this nauseous effect, but nonetheless its an undescribably unique experience. i say take on the ride, dream up a wheel, and step harder on the pedal.

Thoughts Meander

August 17, 2005

so you wake up and you ask yourself, “who am i today?”

and you wear that mask for the entire day, living out that part of your personality in hopes that the balance between good and evil stays at a manageable level.

im utterly lost in confusion about everything i wrote in this and the last entry. i wish my mind could just speak for itself without going through the hassle of transforming thoughts into words and looking for the right words to express certain emotions, because there are just so many emotions and some words consist of more than one emotion and just ahh so much rambling and what the hell to says that i dont even make sense to myself anymore. not like i ever did, but still. my mind would be endlessly ranting if it had that power (to express all of itself in all the right words)… but then again it’s probably impossible.

o bubo x: look, this is my brain talkin:
o bubo x: i wanan go dooo sommethi- hey, my tummy hurts. ooowww… i wana go clubbin. my thighs feel fat on this chair. wat did i eat for dinner? i want chicken wings. fuck im fat. oh well. i need sleep. *fizzle out*
o bubo x: nd den a whole chorus of
o bubo x: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
o bubo x: in the background
o bubo x: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah v
o bubo x: blah

seriously though, this platter isnt enough

i need more pain…. more lies, more pretentiousness, more sado-masochism. with extra servings of guilt and deprecation. and side orders of confusion and intentionally malevolent thoughts. make that 4 extra sides, add in delirium and bipolarity. yeah, that sounds good. give me pessimism to slurp all that down with.

that is one fucking delicious high school dish.

Internecile Wars

August 11, 2005

FUCK WARS! THERE’S NO FUCKING USE FOR IT, IT JUST KILLS PEOPLE AND FAMILIES GET MISERABLE AND CRAZY BECAUSE THEY LOSE THEIR LOVED ONES. WARS SUCK, ESPECIALLY INTERNECINE WARS. LIFE IS TOO FUCKING PRECIOUS TO WASTE ON SUCH A RETARDED THING.

You know, you don’t realize how fragile your life is until you consider the fact that death can come so rashly and randomly. But then again, you can’t really live being too careful and nervous all the time…because that won’t really be living at all. Anyways haha something interesting someone said today: “I’ve realized while I was filling out the lottery tickets that the chances of someone winning a pick of the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 were infinitesimal. But then the chances of winning those numbers are the same chances as winning any other random numbers, so it’s pretty much hopeless.” LOL. Technically, you CAN win the lottery if you spent a couple million dollars on choosing all the possible combinations of numbers on tickets. There are only so many possibilities, but I think that would take too long and the results would come out before you’d get a chance to finish printing out every ticket…hahaha.

I think that even though adapting to American society may be hard, it’s a worthwhile challenge for immigrants to face because it’s better than being oppressed in their own nations. ::shrug:: I mean, it builds towards an interesting story too. Can you imagine telling your grandchildren how you came to America with only so much money in your pocket and working your way to success? I would never do that, but it’s an interesting thought. A lot of people would be telling their kids that, like millions of immigrants. No, tens of millions. But then again, that would put upon children insecurities and anxiety because they’d be expected to at least live up to that goal. That sucks.

Some things I’ve discovered about myself in the last few hours: My nationality is French. I figure I’ll move to France if and when every other nation gets fed up with America (since almost everyone hates us now anyway) and attack us. I’d love to live in Canada though… or Switzerland. OH yes, Switzerland. I can start dreaming now. Also, I found out someone else who was my cousin… interesting… haha.. and some other things about my family… well… my mom’s family, but the stories are equally interesting nonetheless.

Late. =D

BTW tennis rocks. So does everything else on this fucking planet =D.

November 18, 2005

Well, the reason for half of my ex-being, really.

I’ve been inspired after reading the organized rant of one of my fellow sufferers (as I would like to call us) to find the reason behind homosexuality. So people have always considered homosexuality. Many people (like, MILLIONS of them) have wondered, why are people gay? How are homosexuals supposed to answer that question? You just. are? I mean, there are no evolutionary purposes that homosexuality offers… are there? Why is it, that as much as society deprecates it, homosexuality still exists- and continues to thrive today? o_O

Paleontologists believe that prehistoric man had small family sizes for travelling efficiency. Humans had to have compact families in order to escape predators such as Sabertooth tigers, as shown by apparent human bones in Sabertooth caves, and to migrate into other areas. Man could only have so many children before being dragged down. I mean, if our ancestors travelled in huge packs, it would only be a matter of (short) time before our predators stumbled upon the weakest and slowest of our family members and devoured them =/. Anyways, back to my point. So how was mankind able to control their sexual drives?

One of man’s primary purposes is to procreate. Well, EVERY species’ primary purpose is to reproduce. So how does mankind manage to control themselves from overpopulating? Since drug stores back then didn’t offer contraception products such as condoms and birth control pills, nature gave us a better thing. Being a creative genious, mother nature concocted a mixture that was able to give humans all the meaningless sex they desired- WITHOUT the undesired result of offspring. She came up with an invention that not even the most divine beings could ever imagine (no, not even God, whose jealousy explains why he deemed it abominable in his Sacred Book for men to sleep with other men). Yes, mother nature ingeniously created Homosexuality- the answer to everything.

I’m beginning to think that prehistoric man is similar to current males in the most provocative sense- that they don’t care where they stick it in, as long as they stick it in something.

And if you’re shocked at the lack of religious morality prevalent in my previous statement, fear not. It’s only true (both the overly sexual drive of humans and the thing about God’s attempt of a comeback at Mother Nature).

So our prehistoric ancestors changed from Hunter Gatherers to Farmers. And since farmers needed extra hands to help out with the farm, homosexuality went away for a while. Families needed as many kids as possible to help raise the livestock and gather food. Then a structural rank came about with the high population, and the need for homosexuality came back. This reappearing solution was needed in the dominant class, where population control would help with job and status competition among family members. See, parts of Greek mythology actually did occur during Roman times, as sons tried to compete with their fathers for high status and jobs.

Then the whole Christianity thing happened.

The Roman Emperor Constantine enforced Christianity in his states after converting to it himself. It appealed to both the upper class and the lower class. Christianity included the belief that if you were mistreated and worked for others, you would have a better afterlife given that you devoted your lifetime to belief in God’s religion. It was the only thing that kept the lower class sane and away from suicidal tendencies. Plus, the behaviour entailed allowed the upper class to be satisfied with the lower class’s actions. Karma was also a part of His ideals- if you treated others with respect and kindness, you too would receive happiness. And if you didn’t you’d BURN IN HELL with Satan’s fury… What a remarkable concept.

Right, so after Constantine made Christianity his states’ religion, homosexuality became a sin. Whoever opposed it was tortured, imprisoned, mutilated, converted, or killed (obvious gasp). I must say, even though God envied mother nature’s creativity, it was a bit selfish of him to deem man sleeping with man as sinful. I mean, yes, it is quite probably the best way to spread his religion- to have everybody be straight and reproduce endlessly and teach their children about the Bible, but his selfishness shows in that he’s allowing the earth to become overpopulated. Overpopulation= lack of space/ shortages in food/ major competition and intrahuman killings/ ultimate doom of mankind= no time for religion. I bet He didn’t think about that. (I caught you didn’t I, DIDN’T I? ha, jk).

So if a man sleeping with another man was so bad, why does it still exist- and THRIVE- today? If religion has made it seem so bad, and followers have tried to eradicate homosexuals from the population, how is it that they still survive today? I mean, there aren’t any more witches right? So why are there gay people? The media especially has shown homosexuality to be a mental problem- that gay people are insane. The pope openly states it (along with the fact that Harry Potter is evil); Michael Jackson’s convicted homosexual, pedophilic actions have sparked up the most controversial of controversies; we (whoops, I’m getting way too into it, ooh nostalgia) owe thanks to AIDS for exploiting us as public health threats. And yet, we still exist, now more than ever before.

Apparently, Mother Nature wasn’t noticed of our current innovations for contraceptions. Otherwise, there would probably be no more homosexuals on Earth. Intelligence has allowed mankind to create a huge list of sources for contraception, including condoms, birth control pills, shots, withdrawal, and other methods of child-prevention. But the old fashioned way (homosexuality) is still there if ever we have a nostalgic urge inside of us

It seems that areas with dense populations have more homosexuals. Apparently, Mother Nature’s birth control method still exists and is functioning quite well. Homosexuals are highly prevalent in areas with high populations in order to balance out that state of overpopulation.

Face it. Without us (there it goes again), humans would have gone extinct at the time our ancestors were alive. That or we’d overpopulate today because of the endless power of our sex drives and mankind would become extinct.

And straight people give birth to homosexuals. So if homosexuality was a passed on trait, it would have been eradicated a LONG time ago if it was a useless, passed on trait. So that eliminates the gene thing.

And this part I must quote, “If it were a question of simply environmental issues of dominating mothers, Oprah would have educated all the “would be” dysfunctional parents by now.”

And if you’re still deathly afraid of your child becoming homosexual, don’t worry. There are hundreds of programs that promise to “straighten” your kid out and turn them into a heterosexual (HA, right.)

So there’s not much of a reason behind sexuality. The most logical one lies in the Mother Nature Theory. As for my statements about God, don’t worry. We love each other and God knows He has so many prayers to deal with (which he takes seriously and affectionately). I just try to give him things to laugh at.

Anger

November 11, 2005

Anger. The one thing I can live off of. Love humiliates you. Hatred cradles you. Anger is the reason I breathe. The only reason I live sometimes is to spread anger. I’m its source of fame. I live so I can make other people angry, and their anger multiplies the same way mine did. Anger gives you energy (ok, maybe it just uses up all of your energy). It gives you the huge puffs of power you need to be strong, to be independent, to ostracize yourself from the rest of human kind, to run away. Anger blocks out all other sources of pain- those mental demons inside your head. You’re too engrossed in being angry to feel any form of anxiety/ physical pain/ sickness/ heartbreak/ love (yes, love’s a mental demon)/ sadness/ regret/ worries/ anything else. (Side note: When in doubt, turn to Pandora’s box.- ignore this) Anger paves the road that leads you to happiness. Being angry can drive you to shun away from society and do what you really want to do. Or sometimes it can lead you to utter downfall. Suicide is a shameful creation of mankind that leads to nothing, but it occurs, partly because of anger. What’s fun is that there are a million other emotions (most of which cannot be named) that directly or indirectly lead to anger- humiliation, depression, sickness, and heartbreak being some of them. Anger can create a sense of morality- a sense of existence. Anger tells you that you’re alive, that you’re real. No perfect human is not angry. Anger allows you to live for days on end without eating. It allows you to starve physically, and in doing so you achieve a sense of mental catharsis. Anger drives the epitome of human evil. The core of human badness. It makes people kill, hurt, scream, and cry. It steers you to the path of destruction and possibly regret later on. For some reason, the human soul is created with anger. The human body is created with an unlimited supply of hostility- a fuel we can endlessly run on. It creates us- and it destroys us. And for anger’s destruction we can truly blame ourselves. Rage, fury, mutilation, sadism, destruction, death, craze, slaughter, starvation, pulverization, damage, devastation, downfall, injustice- it all has to do with one thing- the beginning and the end of our soul. Anger.

But for now, I think I’ll just be happy =D

Friends

November 8, 2005

Friends. All the friends that you’ve had in the past have impacted you in one way or another. Old friends, new friends, friends who live far away, friends who live nearby, even mere acquaintances. They teach you to love, to hate, to wonder. The first time you realize that there are other people who are like you- now that’s cool. The time when somebody made you laugh so hard for thirty minutes straight, now that’s amazing. The times when youve realized that you’re not a complete dork/nerd/loser because there are other people who also like the backstreet boys. The last time you were sad and cried, and somebody was there for you. Somebody was there to hear you rant, to tell you a joke that had nothing to do with anything, to tell you everything would be alright, to reassure you of all the good things in life. The last time somebody hugged you, told you they loved you. The last time you almost became suicidal, but someone made you realize how stupid and idiotic life was and how killing yourself wasnt worth getting away from laughing at all the people in this world. The last time you had a bad haircut and your friend laughed at you, and then you both realize how stupid that haircut was and how you’ll never go to that barber again, unless you’re going to kill him.

All the friends you’ve made, the ones you’ve hated, the ones you’ve really loved, the ones you learn from. The people with bad habits who teach you to never be like them. Those people with annoying selfishness and arrogance who train you to keep your temper under control. The people you thought were your friends, but ended up breaking your trust. They’ve taught you that there ARE bad people out there and that you should get to know somebody better before telling them a secret. Those OTHER friends, who tell you that your former friend was a bitch and that she didn’t deserve to be your friend, or something else retardedly funny about her.

Those people who make you wonder. Your friends who are greatly philosophical or intelligently imaginative. The people who make you wonder about people, about life, about everything else. Those people who are there just to talk to you about anything and everything. About nothing anybody would care about, but just a topic that you both can debate over and make fun of.

Your friends who make sure you’re doing well- athletically, academically, whateverly. the people who would actually TELL you if you had something in your teeth, or that your mascara or eyeliner is smudged, or that you used a word wrong in your sentence. Even those who are ridiculously blunt, but still love you.

The people who you have just KNOWN in the past 6 years. They MIGHT actually be worth more than you think. They’ve been there to laugh at your jokes, to insult you in the friendliest possible way, to TALK to you when you’re sad, to LESSEN your grief. The people who tell you that BOYFRIENDS aren’t worth the bullshit. The people who have kept in touch with you even though you haven’t really seen each other since fourth grade. The people who, even with their busy lives (those damn college apps and whatnot), take a few minutes/hours off to actually call you and ask what’s up. The people who have withstood to your sulking and who have been there for you when you were bored and had nobody else to talk to.

So THINK HARD before closing a friendship. MAKE SURE you know how much you’ve been there for each other, and whether or not your life without him/her would be MANAGABLE. Because once you let them go, they might not come back. Don’t be afraid to APOLOGIZE for ANYTHING. Friendship is about equally being there for each other. Friendship HAS NO inferiority. You stand side by side (and make jokes/laugh/talk along the way). Don’t be STUPID and think that they’ve done nothing for you. REALIZE that they’ve HELPED you along your way, through rocks and smooth hills (haha, wtf, i dont know what kinda analogy that is, but w/e). Your LIFE might not be the same without them.

yeah whatever, that was a rant., but to my friends, i love u, and i hate u, and you’re a fucking btich who i want to fuck. heehee. love u all!! bye shitholes! yaaaahrr

Lack of Empathy

November 7, 2005

Too many questions are left oppressed and unanswered inside of me. I don’t have the time, patience, or interest to hear the answers.

On another subject

Human beings have the amazing ability to help each other through communication. So why do people in our society still look down on each other? Too many people are overly critical to others who are just like them. We’re all humans. At one point we all depended on and supported each other so that we could survive. Our ancestors, instead of allowing the human race to disappear, helped each other live. But now that our species is safe and fruitful, only a few people have the decency to be cordial. Anger, belittlement, and unproper manners are prevalent everywhere in society today. How are the few nice people supposed to balance that out? Humans hurt each other. People make fun of others. We physically and emotionally torture each other, but why? What’s the point in hurting people when there’s so much potential happiness? I know the world’s not perfect and that no matter what, it will never be perfect, but each person can try and make it a better place. That is, after all, what we’re capable of doing- helping each other out. It was our ancestor’s survival tool, and we can use it to help each other today also.

The Spiels of Controversy

October 29, 2005

::squeals:: I LIVE for these mind tingling, sporadic debate topics on which I can elaborate. How engaging!! =D As annoying as they may get, I’m glad for those people who are bold enough (or arrogant enough) to start up a controversial topic. =D Oh yeah, and I officially declare my living vicariously through the Jizzmeister’s academic and social life . Since I’m starting to randomly rant anyways, I’ll continue. So I’m still indignant about the whole power-abusing-turn-everything-around-she-who-I-despise issue. It’s been a fun season, but there was so much potential success! I’m not just bitter for myself (and maybe some fellow senior teammates), but if she remains the way she is now our prospects will hate their senior year also. I know she’s just trying to give everybody an opportunity to… well… “SHINE”, but THEY have next year while WE only have one season left with which we can end with a BANG. This season was (most probably) the final one we had a chance of conquering, but that’s obviously been ruined. You know what? This topic isn’t worth my time. Let’s just end it (this rant, this season, my life, everything).

“The next series of The Real World will be shot at Detroit- as will several Real World cast members.”

“According to a recent celebrity magazine article, Courtney Love has left her dog in the pound and forgotten it for the past three years. The dog remains grateful.”

December 5, 2005

Nothing thoughtful, just physical pain…

That run to Lake Ave. wasn’t really pleasurable… Well, it wasn’t as great as I hoped it would be. First, I didn’t have music and that probably would’ve helped me ignore the pain and keep moving. But my steps weren’t light and I could hear them pounding against the cement, so I switched to running on the sidewalk grass. Then I got shin splits… which I figured I would’ve gotten sooner or later. I should’ve used that tape Jackie offered me, but it’s okay. I told her I’d use it tomorrow. So my shins were throbbing and I could feel the muscle splitting from the bone. Then the rhythmic numbness came back in my left foot, so every other step I could feel this vibration going up my leg. I think something hurted too much and my brain just stopped receiving pain signals from my foot =/ Sorry brain. I know that annoys you. God, and after stopping a few times to fix my shoe and to get the feeling back in my foot, I felt really dehydrated, so it was horrible. I hate stopping. I think I pretty much ran the whole way on Huntington though… like RAN ran, not jog. On the grass. So then afterwards I found out I had two huge blisters. They’re nasty. But I felt really dazed afterwards. And ew, I hate it when people holler at you when you run. That’s just gross. Like, old men… blegh… Anyways, so when I got home my stomach hurted a lot. I don’t know why. And the weather was nice today. Really awesome. School was great. I had a chance to sleep in Lit, Stats, and Calc… and I change my mind, teachers aren’t THAT bad. For now.

And when you dont sleep at night, you get really cold. Jackie says it’s because your body doesn’t have a chance to gain the energy you need to keep you warm. I agree. After hugs and sleeping in my classes though I felt warmer. = )

Me duele casi todo el cuerpo.

I guess I’ll go work on homework now.

Mother Nature’s Harm

December 4, 2005

It’s bad to be nurtured. Especially if you’re a child. I think that when a baby is born, you should roll it in dirt so that it would know the filth and grime of the world right away. Look at those children who are constantly being nurtured by their parents. I mean, as soon as they are born, babies (mainly, but not only, Asian ones, mind you… trust me, I should know) are instantly covered in blankets by their mothers and kept as safe as possible from anything even possibly remotely dangerous or negative at all (screams, fights, dirt, sand, water, strangers, and even close relatives who might not carry it “right”). Then look at those same individuals after they’ve grown up. Allergies form because of a lack of exposure to the outside world. Fear of social encounters form because they’ve constantly been kept inside the house. Even fear of taking the slightest risks results because of constant supervision during childhood. God knows you can’t get anywhere in life without taking risks or putting yourself in danger. See? Overprotection and caring too much about a child’s well being can ultimately be quite detrimental to them.

Then look at the people who were rejected during their childhood. Let’s just say those children who were blamed because they were part of an “accident” that inevitably forced two hateful companions to get married otherwise they’d be known for having an illegal bastard. These individuals grow up expecting nothing grand out of life… nothing but misery and hatred. Then when they face happiness, success, or come across love for the first time, their revels would be much more appreciated than those individuals who have grown up expecting more out of life. And if they had to deal with depression, ostracization, or suppression, it wouldn’t matter because they already expected life to be awful and sulk-worthy. Hence, the children who didn’t receive as much care and love are better off than those who did.

I’m not saying that I would treat my children with utter remorse and contempt if and when I do have children. It’s sad that I have too much conscience to do such a thing, even though it probably would be helpful more than hurtful for them in the future. I only wish I lacked the tingling sensation in the back of my mind that is guilt… so that I could do what’s best for my future children (again, if I do have any) instead of loving them and selfishly keeping myself guiltless. Haha, if we were in another world where guilt doesn’t exist (which, surprisingly, some people do live in), I’d probably be a bad mother. But only by nurturing standards.

[edit]

A message intended for God: Isn’t it funny watching millions of people at night staring obsessively at a radiating screen and deliriously typing with their claw-positioned fingers? Teehee.

[edit]

Sorry for this blunt comment, but I was serving desserts at Caberet Night last night and I realized how fake some of the dancers’ smiles looked. I mean, they were really really good!! Like the choreography and all… was amazing… but their smiles seemed distressing. They seemed to say something like “Hi! Yeah, I’m really constipated, anxious, scared, excited, cold, and out of breath right now, but I’ll smile anyway! ::pant pant:: hehe… heh” Hahhaha, that amused me. But they were awesome.

Trees and Intelligence

December 3, 2005

About the SATs:

There’s no better way to prove your level of intelligence than to sit in silence for five hours and scribble frantically with and on parts of trees.

Damn I wanted to puke….lol… and I cut a bit of flesh off my finger while I tripped on the stairs. It hurt like shit. Especially when I can feel the air… and when I use my index finger to type out a letter… So the flesh of my finger tip is somewhere on the stairs… and my fingernail is messed up. Eww.. It’s hard to type… I’ll update more later

Meanwhile, I’m currently chugging mass consumptions of Twix. Eww. They get nasty after a while.

Weather and Simulations

December 2, 2005

Turtles are NOT going to take over the world.

On another note, I like the rain. I’m glad the rain is clear- so that we get a sense of purification and emotional catharsis as it falls from the skies. So that we can feel some kind of cleansing sadness that the sun never provided us with. I’m glad it’s clear- so that we won’t be running and driving around with a solid color covering up the pavement and windows. So that black dots don’t splatter all over our windshields and make everybody indistinguishable. And that red liquid doesn’t make us cringe at the thought of blood covering damp bodies and city buildings. I’m glad it’s clear because it’s cool, cleansing, and in a way, feels like a shower freeing us from some amount of distress. I think we need that once in a while.

But I love the sun too =D.

“Like John Travolta important or wife-on-fire important?”
hahaha…

“The spiel is one of the few pleasures left to me on this pus-filled rock we so romantically call Earth. Did you know that over half of all relationships and three-quarters of marriages are entirely simulated? Unfortunately, they are simulated badly. By amateurs. Look at the divorce rate. We are the professional simulators. We can keep a marriage functioning smoothly decades after it should have ended, sometimes decades after it actually has.”

“I understand that you guys are trying to make people feel good. Hey, everybody likes a little sunshine blown up their ass every once in a while. Which makes us all a little gay, I guess. I’m not ashamed to admit it; I’m a bit of a solar-homo myself. But sometimes you get biffed in the head by reality, and then it’s a little late to cry over spilt credibility. “Mission Accomplished,” right? As long as the mission title is “Can I Get My Head So Far Up My Ass That I Can Sneeze On My Own Lungs?” With all due respect.”

Tomorrow will include one of my most lovable things about life… between 8 am and 12 pm, specifically……. Yeahh, fuck the SATs. That’s what I meant to say. Yay for articulacy. That took a while.

Gooooodnigggght.

A Satisfying Ramble

November 29, 2005

I’m quite bored. So I shall rant.

It’s funny… how most of my conversations usually end with some huge reference to sexual anatomies. It’s like, we start off on some totally different, possibly important topic, and then one of us (ok, I admit, it’s usually me) starts going off in a tangent towards the sexual horizon. As in, if, for example, one of my conversations was an essay, it would be something like: “Wolves tend to congregate in huge packs, despite the belief that they are independent predators. They travel together in search for food and habitat. And penises are very large, veiny, and gross!” Right, so there’s not really a step I plan to take to stop this disturbing habit from perpetuating, but I think it’s pretty funny. Yeah.

And I love love love love Noggin and Canadian shows. I love how so many things around me seem (to me at least) to be revolving around a specific sort of sexual orientation. It’s so great and it makes my stomach tingle in the xD est way. Anyways, flaunting is probably unneccessary.

And I hate how calculus makes me feel by the end of the day. Stress adds up in that class. Stress and a lot of negative stuff. It brings me back to my research topic, Bulimia. How all that stress accumulates throughout high school and you can’t hold it in anymore, and you need some type of mental catharsis. Then you binge in order to assure yourself you have SOME mode of control over yourself. Then you feel guilty and have another catharsis, a physical one… well, in a way it could be mental also. So then you purge all of your emotions and guilt out. But that’s only temporary relief and feeling of self control. It’s only later on that you feel like you’ve cheated your way out of life… But I really don’t appreciate that topic. I mean, I probably shouldn’t be mentioning here. Please don’t try that if you feel anxiety. Trust me, it only gets worse. And I feel weird going around with books about Eating Disorders. And I need a truer incentive to mess with, but she’d probably be unwilling to compromise. None of the last sentence probably made sense.

So yeah, stress, calculus, and Bulimia. How crazy. Not really, if you think about it.

“I stir from bed only when the sun begins a sensible downward motion rather than the foolishly optimistic upward surge it attempts and abandons each day.”

“I’m a private detective, so hard-boiled you could paint me pink and distribute me on Easter, if you liked bitter eggs.”

“Go do whatever it is wondrous and subtle major characters do in their off time. Do some coke off a supermodel’s ass. Hell, do some ass off a supermodel’s coke. I don’t wanna know about it, but when it hits the papers I’ll deny on my mother’s grave that it happened. In fact, I killed my mother just so I could deny your actions on her grave. Get out of here, kid!”

Mark Ganek, how I truly adore your inducing style and power.

Yet I find myself, once again, in a world of high confusion and utter stubbornness. Oh look! The door to insanity. I think I’ll just jump through the window though. You see, that’s the test. If you insist that you’re insane, and you use the door entitled “World of Insanity Inside”, then obviously you’re just lying. The true insanites would do something like jump through the window or eat through the carpet to get to the other side. That’s the whole fun of it.

And I enjoyed all 5 miles today. Even though I had this huge bump on my foot afterwards. It was really calming. I hit the wall of high for sure today. My foot also went numb, so there was like, this rhythmic numbness with every two steps I took on the road. Thank God for physical pain like this. And the endorphins that brings the drug effect afterwards. =D

“The medical community is baffled. The drug companies are perplexed. Even the porn moguls are nervous. After $300 million in advertising, Viagra and other erection drug sales are down ten percent from last year. How can this be?

Pondering this conundrum, I happened upon a seemingly unrelated medical study, which showed that many drug injections are failing because our buttocks have gotten too fat for the needles. Two-thirds of the fifty patients in the study did not receive a full dosage of their drugs, which instead lodged in the fat tissue. Putting these two stories together, I realized a profound truth…

America, we’re too fat to want to have sex with each other.”

While indeed the rest of the article displays ample solutions to this disturbing truth, including specialized Sports Utility Needles, pills, and the use of alcohol to stir up any hope at all of groping with anything soft enough to be human, I’d still have to say that overweightness will always interfere with human progress, and there is nothing we can do about it- not even the dirty miracle that is liposuction.

First though, let’s just clarify one little thing. “Obesity” isn’t generally a term used for damn-well-near-anorexic-people who think they’re fat. I mean, the word means full on fat- so much so that your bones can no longer stand to support the rest of your structure and at any moment now your whole skeletory system can snap and your entire extremities will, due to gravity (yes, because Physics is just utterly amazing), drop to the lower portion of your mass. And, because your skin won’t be able to hold all that muscle, fat, and bones in, you’ll explode, giving a good percentage of the people around you disgusting anatomies to smother themselves in. Ultimately, that large percentage of people around you, and those around them, will be absolutely nauseated and will sooner rather than later vomit out all of their meals, hence becoming skinnier. So in a way, obese people can make other people around them skinnier, thus balancing the average mean of human weight that they formerly had offset.

So for all you people who aren’t dealing with any chances of explosion, don’t call yourself obese to be modest or to gain attention. Before I, God, wave my magic wand and actually make you obese, and then oohhhh, you’ll see. ::glares:: So yeah, all you tennis people, take that thing off your profiles! You’re not fat! Ahem.

But anyways, side note to remind myself to put this in my profile later.
b if you are fat, put this in your profile

Anyways, back to my incessant incoherence. Our lack of sex drive stimulates a potentially controversial question: Are we actually becoming too repulsive to perpetuate our species? As Mark says it, Are we doomed to watch America’s numbers dwindle as an entire generation decides that sex is “too much like exercise”?

Sex is too much like exercise. Blegh.

Haha, just kidding. But honestly, if America comes to a point where citizens start thinking that way, then something definitely went wrong in our attempt to create a perfect society. I mean yes, human beings were made to indulge after hunting down and smoking dangerous preys (cows, pigs, chicken)… ok, maybe not so dangerous. But if we look far enough back in history, the first homo sapien generations lived daily not just with endeavors to procreate, but in a constant search and hunt for food. And rarely did they get it, which explains why humans almost went extinct. So when they finally managed to kill some sort of mouth-watering animal, it’s only logical that they would revel in it as much as possible… or as we call it, binge. And when America finally utilizes its innovations and trillions of dollars to produce restaurants, or binge-centrals, that offer food without any necessary hunting or chasing skills, it’s not surprising that Americans will use that for their full advantage.

I mean, we are selfish, and try to hog up as much of anything and everything good as possible. And yes, we still bitch and complain even if we’ve already got everything. It’s okay though, because we do it in search for further happiness and satisfaction. God am I disgusting.

Anyways, so I figured that even if the top 5% of people who have 50% of the nation’s wealth offered to give everybody liposuction whenever they wanted it in order to have a weight-stabilized country, people will still be fat. First, no surgeon would ever want to deal with waking up in the morning to a whole day of grabbing fat out of people. Second, the people who offered money to keep everybody in shape would regret it. Trust me. Third, America would be filled with saggy, plastic-surgery needing, too-much-fat-taken-out-of-me-so-now-my-neck-looks-like-a-vagina people. Fourth, people would just take too much advantage of that. I mean, if you had the chance to binge during every meal and lose that accumulated weight instantaneously, who wouldn’t binge? So the number of liposuctions would dramatically increase over time and… yiech! I don’t even want to think about it.

But then again, Mark’s other solution does kind of seem like it might work. Fat America can attempt to drink it’s brain out with booze and stagger towards the closest squashy thing in an effort to screw it. Because you know, alcohol makes everybody look nice. So Fat America might actually be able to drunkedly have enough energy to procreate before finally dying of a heart attack in the midst of doing so. Then more Fat Americans will be born to do the same thing and we’ll all be a bunch of blind, horny, fat, drunk Americans who will overpopulate the world with our lard and explosions.

God, this entry either makes me very nauseous, or very hungry.

Nonetheless, I’m sorry if I’ve offended any fat people. And no, not the Jenn kind of “fat” people. ::Sigh::

And I think my eyes and brains have fried enough from staring at the screen. Today was a horrendous day. I fucked the astronomy and calculus test SOO fucking bad. Fuck!

[edit]

I love you tennis girls soooo muchh!!!!

And I can’t believe the underclassmen conjured up a way to make us scrapbooks! Wow, I didn’t think you guys would do anything for us, but you definitely caught us by surprise. Hollyyy… haha. I love each and every one of you soo much!! And I’ll never forget this season. Ever. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Almost cried. Almost.

Now back to calculus… or english, or sleep, I'm not sure which one yet. God it's agonizing to wait for someone and then end up not being able to talk to them. Whatever though, I guess priorities are set.

December 16, 2005

Frankly, I don’t give a shit about you either

Anyways, so after school today Amnesty (well, a small portion of Amnesty) went to a Hurricane Katrina victims’ shelter in Compton to turn in the donations we received from school. I admit, I was a bit afraid of Compton at first, but it wasn’t that bad. We had a lot of donation boxes to carry out though and a lot of materials to help organize there, but it was fun. I absolutely love Amnesty. To know that you’re helping somebody (or in this case, a lot of people) is amazing. Words can’t even describe the potential kindess people have to offer for each other. In fact, this entry isn’t even worth explaining the compassion.

But today at school was utterly amazing. I absolutely loooveeeeee the holiday spirit people get into. It’s undescribably great. And I need to give like 2343543543 more hugs to people who got me presents… b/c my presents to them are going to come late. Took many pictures. Will post them later.

Thai dinner was fun and funny. I must say, the only bad part of today is not being able to talk to a special someone and knowing that they’re a few more hours away from me. Now I’ll go downstairs to a ton of relatives surrounding the dinner table. And I’ll walk past them, to play with my cousins. =)

[edit]

Scratch the thing about not being able to talk to a special someone. You just made my day and I heart you!!! <3

Early Feat

December 15, 2005

I've gotten pretty tired lately of expressing my originally exciting thoughts into profound, overly sarcastic statements in perfect grammar and spelling (thanks to the wonderful help of English classes, which in reality have rendered useless in helping me with anything else besides what I had just listed). But this morning… is different.

After surprisingly waking up at 3:30 AM, a feat that I had promised, but never expected, myself last night (or rather, earlier this morning) to accomplish, these astonishing, exact thoughts came into my head: Wow, for once I'll actually be able to finish Economics and go back to sleep. To my utter amusement though, I sat on my bed contemplating the most random thoughts in my head, and then travelling through spaces that in reality don't exist geographically anywhere (a.k.a. myspace) for a good portion of an hour. And then randomly (which appears to be the only way everything in my life works), I and myself acquiesced to me's wishes to start on my resume letter. And of course, the actual homework took up less time than the procrastination did.

And now I remain sitting… waiting, wishing, that you believed in superstiti- No. Now I'm left unusually awake (I guess my body's grown used to my staying-up-until-the-morning-masochism by now) and staring at my opened carton of overly sweet orange juice. And it makes me regret sending Jade away at 1 last night so I could get some sleep/homework done. She could've stayed for I don't know, another 3 hours? She opened up to me too and didn't want to leave. =/

I am not a child abuser. Despite those video clips.

But my body's cold due to lack of sleep and I'm left with facing the options of either going back to bed for an hour or reading Mark's next article. Okay, I think the choice is obvious .

Sometimes I feel the fear of Uncertainty, stinging clear.

[edit]

I've realized that in the past 3 entries, my posts were relatively short. In fact, too relatively short for me to even consider leaving it that way. Which is why I have to make this one longer.

"I am certainly not the first to notice that women's magazines are peddling a mixed message, a bizarre stew of self-help and self-affirmation. The standard point of every article seems to be: 'You're perfect just the way you are, which is why you need to change everything about you.'"

…

"Once you know who you are, it's time to figure out who everyone else is and be that instead. So bring on the sex survey. In an instance of actual half-assed reporting, I have obtained a piece of inside information from a magazine that starts with "G" and sounds like "blammer": the sex surveys are totally real. They ask actual people what they have actually done and record the actual numbers. Then they change the numbers.

My source explains that once the numbers come in, the magazine just sort of alters them however they please. And the consistent change: "We always revise the anal sex number upward." Just as Nature abhors a vacuum, so a women's magazine hates an empty sphincter. It seems an issue doesn't go by without them recommended sticking something up someone's ass. Fingers, dildoes, dinette sets: it just doesn't seem to matter. "

…

"But I don't mind the undermining of the modern marriage institution, which honestly could use a little shake-up. I object to the lack of creativity. C'mon women's magazines! Be bold! Tell us that really good sex only happens when she's got her boobs in a bowl of Jell-o and he's got his balls resting on an electric pencil sharpener. That'll show 'em!

Coincidentally, I'd like to invite everyone down to Mark's Jell-O and Intimate Pencil Sharpener Emporium, which opens this Friday. Free samples!"

My thoughts about this article will remain oppressed.

Preliminary Procrastination Proposal

December 13, 2005

There has GOT to be some weird explanation for why people choose to do useless things rather than take advantage of their time and start on something they actually want to finish. And when I find that weird explanation, I will write a 5-mile long rant about it. And I will post it, purely for your entertainment.

My uncle from France is coming tomorrow. And with him the little cute, talkative snake that is my cousin. Who I have no form of verbally communicating with. Except when my mom tells me to say certain phrases in French to her (which I really don't understand, quite at all).

And I found out that running around the neighborhood can be quite scary sometimes. Especially since someone almost ran Jackie over (ahh!!) and since Supriya almost lost her way (ok, partly my fault lol). And the apparent fact that strangers look/talk/yell/whistle/honk at you randomly. Effff.

Christmas shopping will be done over break. Because God knows I have no time to do jack sh*t this week.

I like Spanish songs.

Weekend Incoherence

December 9, 2005

Millions of miles of Earth are separating potential relationships.

Dumdeedum. Ever wonder if inspiration can be a bad thing… for the inspirer?

Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion… the thing about the kind of glue for post its…
Michelle: "Well, ordinarily when you make glue, first you need to thermoset your resin… and then after it cools you mix in epoxide. Which is just a fancy schmanzy name for any simple, oxygenated adhesive, right? But then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emuslification process… and it turns out… I was RIGHT." hahaha

"This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy." Amazing how that fits me on just about everything.

Ok, I was trying to be modest, but I'm too damn cocky to position myself on such a basis. hahhah

So I'm considering switching gears… just because I'm so damn arrogant and don't believe that anybody deserves to experience any form of entertainment from the scribbled thoughts that come out of my superior, brilliantly outspoken mind.

hehehe.

Things to do this weekend
-Secret Santa Present
-Big 5 for Sports Tape
-Savons for Blister treatment… or maybe not… maybe I'll just enjoy the blood oozing out after every step I jog.
-Stocks Simulation project
-Physics of Sports
-Mrs. Marnell's Rec
-Physics proposal before Liz leaves
-Statistics notecard
-History portfolio… holy mother.
-Harry Potter 4
-Hopefully talk to someone on Sunday night

Before anything, I’d have to say that love… is like shin splits- while you’re running. Of course you don’t get it all the time, but when you do, you can’t help but hurt. Attempts to control the heavy steps and bangs that your feet make when they hit the ground are futile. Plus, you need some sort of mitigation, possibly in the form of either sports tape or time off, to recover from it. Except you know, love requires a cure that positions itself on an unreachable shelf that holds only the most useful of things, such as glue for broken hearts, vengeance for evil um.. “letter from the alphabet”s, and a memory eliminator that eradicates all recollections of one’s latest bf/gf. =) And one day, I will MAKE (or find) a ladder that can REACH that top level of the shelf. And when I do, I will greedily keep the goods for myself. Or sell it to a select few, and make trillions. >=)

Anyways. Some thoughts that crossed my mind as I was running (or jogging, rather) this morning:

I need some superglue that can stick my muscles to my bones. But I guess I’ll stick with sports tape for now.

Nature keeps sticking its foot out and trying to trip me.

My eyesight got soo much worse.

Suerte by Shakira is a great song… I wonder why I don’t listen to it more often…

Suerte que herede las piernas firmes, para correr si un dia hace falta,
Y es tus dos ojos que me dicen que me llorar cuando te vayas

Lo que me queda de vida, quiero vivir contigo
La felicidad tiene tu nombre y tu piel
Ya sabes mi vida, estoy hasta el cuello por ti
Si sientes algo asi, quiero que te quedes junto a mi

Go running more often in the morning.

People can be really nice… or really stare-y…

Music makes a kajillion times the difference.

It doesn’t matter whether the grass is wet or not while you stretch. Watch out for pine cones. Wet grass while you run might be dangerous.

Take in lots of calcium. Hibernating the entire day yesterday definitely helped. Birds can definitely be great.

That’s all. But something I realized about myself this morning… I try to make the best out of most situations. Which is why I don’t really care about what happens. Which is also why I’m really indecisive. And THAT, as Jamie says it, is the reason why I can never decide where or what to eat. It’s good. It keeps me skinny. ::Points to fat belly:: So I can’t go to Fifi’s church thing with her right now because my mom wants me to help cook stuff. And she might need my car. But I might go later, with Robyn =).

Side note- Fifi and Robyn are cool. Hang out with them more. lol. <3 Ahh grabadora, NOW what the heck am I going to get you? Soymilk, mm. yuck…not really, sometimes. ok. i'm tangenting. now to spend time downstairs. away from the comp. where my brain has fried. and my eyeshight has scrwe dup. and i cant type anymopre.

[edit]

So suddenly, I can type again. And another thing- I get it now. Like, I understand it… not completely, but much more thoroughly than I did before. =) And I sort of feel much better about it. I think. It doesn't matter what I think. I have to help people. HAVE TOO HAVE TO HAVE TO. okay I'm just metaphorically high again.

Oh there is SOOO much more to me than this brilliant, intelligent veneer =D Like the adorkableness behind it.

Public display of affection (more specifically, blog-wise), can be a potentially bad thing.

hahaha, Love can be really pathetic, if it's not reciprocated. lmao. Coming from observation, not experience.

If I had 5 types of Xangas, they would be

1. One where I type in all of my diurnal events, or perhaps just the more interesting/ show offy ones, and elaborate on how awesome people around me are.
2. One where I talk about how I really feel about people. Heheh. And where I fully dig into my emotions and spill out how I feel about what happened every day. (You know what I noticed? I don’t really need to rant. As in, emotions wouldn’t accumulate inside of me and rage out in one huge spitball of fire. It wouldn’t… even if I say I need to sulk/rant, I really don’t. I probably just told you to get attention…hehe, J/K Jess.)
3. One where I write the most meaningless, random rambles about the most arbitrary things (which is the kind of blog that mine was turning into in the past month or so…)
4. One where I try to be serious. lmao.
5. One where I write down everything I want… in which case, every entry would be 5-10 miles long. =)

As of right now, my posts include most of what I listed, except in a really random order. And I’m very blunt, so don’t worry if I said anything about how great you are, because chances are, I probably really mean it =). And if I know you really well and say crap about you, it’s only because it’s funny. And if it’s not funny, then I probably really mean it =/. But when was the last time I even talked about anybody?

#1 of my xanga entry. Where’d I leave off on the last post? After Fifi’s church thing? Ok, well on Sunday I basically hibernated the entire day and only woke up to eat and go to the park for a bit. Yesterday I hung out with the best homeslices on the face of the earth- the tennis girls. Chloe’s amazing house. Blockbuster lol. Telling the managers “true secrets”. Calling “Arthika” even though “she” didn’t answer. Alyssa losing it. The spinny chair. Herbie fully loaded. Herbie’s antenna popping up like a boner (I mean… wtf!!). Eating. A lot. Alyssa and chopsticks. Me shaking on the couch. Hide and go seek! Me and door cracks (which… don’t work out very well). Chloe and every good hiding spot. Nothing to do. St. Albans!!! “Merry Christmaaass!!”. Headache!!!! Being “choked” by Jenn. Headache licking every part of every one of my fingers. Dove shampoo. Hastings. Radio. Then I came home.

#2. Everything and everyone rocks. Truly.

#3. The beginning of my post pretty much covers it.

I don’t know who came up with that idea, but I first heard it from Jessica. Love fears no borders or crossroads. Nah, I don’t think that’s true. I think if you love someone enough, you’re scared for your life that something will become an obstacle between you two. And when two people are perfect for each other, the relationship becomes more fragile than anything else. And you wouldn’t want anything to change, because things are perfect the way they are. So when something as harsh as … this happens, what can you be but undeniably devastated? Words can’t even come anywhere close to how it feels. The one thing that’s so undoubtedly right and good about your life, gone. The only thing you can do is try and move on. And other people can be selfish. New relationships do try to erase old ones, but I’m not the person who believes in that. I think that no matter who you’ve been with, people leave something with you… scars, emotions, love. What is that word anyway? But how utterly stupid was I to try and like… erase that? This lack of empathy in me tries to erase such an amazing memory, but I won’t let it. If I met anybody… anybody like that in my life, I wouldn’t even contemplate thinking of anybody else.

And here she is, trying to avoid the past. She’s faced my worst fear- and she survived it. What else is there to say? What she doesn’t know is that she doesn’t need a new love. She has the best one possible, and nothing- Nobody- can ever, ever replace that. Not even the border that separates heaven from earth. So how stupid was anybody to believe that they could change that? She doesn’t know it, but she has a love that will last through everything and a love that’s so strong that she doesn’t need anybody else. She just needs a friend to help her believe that she can love again. What I think- I don’t think she even needs to prove that she can love again. She has enough to last her forever.

If you knew you didn’t have anything to promise the person you love, would you still let them know that you love them? Would you let them reciprocate it, even though that means leaving behind an eternal scar that would never heal? Two situations. Sharing the best love ever, for a high, forever debting and unpayable price. Or denying love, so that you wouldn’t scar someone. It puts everything to the test. Selfishness, pain, the ability to endure, the ability to pretend. Would you be able to hurt yourself so much so that someone else can move on without having to look back and feel regret/ pain/ remorse/ hatred? Or is love too true, real, and necessary for any facades? I probably wouldn’t be strong enough to do this, but idealistically, if I was utterly in love with someone, but had nothing to offer them, I would ruin Everything. I would tell them I hated them, with the most contempt I could possibly express. I would curse my living lights out on them. I would treat them as if they were my worst enemy, just so that they wouldn’t want a single thread to do with me. It would be double the pain on my part, but if I truly loved someone, Fuck everything else, all that matters is that they’re okay. Even if it means that they won’t know how much I really cared. Even if it means pure, deep torture.

But fuck it, what does it matter now, right? What the hell can you do? All I can say is, I’m here… as a friend if you need anything. I swear, I’m sorry for asking any more than that out of you. And I could only imagine what kind of pain you’ve been going through. You’re my hero. Just for that. And I hope to Goodness you’re not afraid of telling me anything, because I won’t go anywhere. If the only reason why you’re avoiding anything is to get me to stay, then screw that. I’m always here, and always will be, no matter what. I promise you. And that’s one I’ll keep.

And now I’ll stop because tears are blurring everything.